


Strength of the Heart

by allysparkling



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Discussions of parental death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 07:10:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19389070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allysparkling/pseuds/allysparkling
Summary: Life has never been fair to Saaya.





	Strength of the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> **Day 5: ~~rehearsal~~ /angst**  
> 
> 
> Hey everyone! Sorry about missing out on the past few days, I'll have to upload them late. But the next three days are handled and ready to post.  
> !!MAJOR SPOILERS FOR BANDORI ANIME S1!! Saaya's story in the anime hit me really hard, so I wanted to write about those issues, because a sick mom isn't something that goes away. 

“Saaaaaaaaaya,” Kasumi whines, drawing out her name like a child. She has her arms wrapped around Saaya’s neck, leaning on her with nearly all her weight. “Arisa is so mean~ tell her not to be so mean!”

From the other side of the room, sitting in front of a mirror and doing her hair, Arisa slams her hairbrush down on the vanity. “I-I’m not being mean!” she explodes. “It’s not mean to tell you not to waste your money on snacks right before a show!”

Kasumi leans on Saaya even heavier. “But I _really_ want the ones from the vending machine…!”

Rimi is sitting with Tae a few feet away, helping her brush her long hair. “But Kasumi…” she says, her voice soft but an amused smile makes its way onto her face, “didn’t Saaya bring snacks today?”

Saaya chuckles. “I did.”

Sighing dramatically in defeat, Kasumi nuzzles her face into Saaya’s chest. “Fine… it’s a good thing my girlfriend makes the best choco coronets in the world~”

“Careful, Kasumi!” Arisa whines. “You’re going to mess up Saaya’s costume!”

“It’s okay, Arisa, I can handle her,” Saaya grins, patting Kasumi’s hair she pulls away from her. Her hair is done so that her “ears” are even bigger today, making her look even more cat-like. Following that thought, she scratches Kasumi’s hair and says, teasingly, “Who’s a good kitty?”

Kasumi lights up. “Me! I’m a good kitty!”

With her other hand Saaya takes a choco coronet from the basket of treats and gives it to Kasumi. “Good kitties get treats, don’t they?”

“Yay!” Kasumi cheers, biting into the pastry instantly. “Nya~!”

Arisa watches this interaction with wide eyes. “Ugh, you guys are weird.”

“Agreed,” Tae nods.

Arisa’s head whips towards her. “You’re one to talk, O-tae…!”

Saaya knows it’s silly, but Kasumi is just too cute not to play with like this. “My little starbeat~” she coos, and Kasumi nuzzles her shoulder in response.

Then, a phone rings.

“Is that my phone?” Tae asks, picking her phone up and looking at it. “Oh, no. Must be Saaya’s.”

Standing up and booping Kasumi’s nose as she passes, she picks up her phone. “Hello?”

 _“Hey, sweetheart,”_ comes a familiar voice on the other line.

“Dad!” Saaya smiles. “What’s up?”

_“Are you about to perform?”_

Saaya walks back to the other side of the room at takes a pastry from the basket as she sits back in front of her mirror. Kasumi reassumes her position hanging on her shoulder. “Yeah, we are! Do you need something?”

_“No, just go ahead and perform, just call me back right after.”_

Saaya shakes her head, biting into the pastry, then absentmindedly passes it to Kasumi, who devours the rest of it in one bite. “No, it’s okay, I can talk. We aren’t going on for at least twenty minutes.”

 _“Well…”_ He seems to hesitate, which sparks a degree of alarm in her mind. _“Saaya…”_

“Dad, is something wrong?” she asks, subconsciously gripping her skirt. 

_“We don’t want you to be anxious while you play, just go ahead and-”_

Her stomach drops. Something is wrong. “No. Hold on.” 

Saaya stands up from her chair, gently pushing Kasumi off of her. The others stare at her, perplexed. 

“I’m going into the hallway to take this call, I’ll be right back,” she tells them.

***

It takes all her effort to stop from panicking when she walks back into the room. “I-I need to go. I need to leave.”

Rimi stands, nearly dropping her choco coronet. “What?”

Part of her doesn’t want to tell them, but they at least deserve to know what’s going on. She can’t help it as tears drip down her face, but she straightens her back and takes a deep breath. “It’s… it’s my mom again. She fell. She’s in the hospital again.”

The others gasp. They all get up and crowd Saaya, worried looks on their faces.

“Is she going to be okay?” Arisa asks.

Saaya bites her lip. “I… I don’t know. I need to go, but I don’t want to just leave you guys here.”

“We’ll just cancel the performance,” Tae says simply. 

“No!” Saaya responds, far louder than she intended. She feels shame bubble up in her chest. Wiping her tears, she continues, “If you guys stopped the performance for me, I would feel even worse. I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

“It’s really not a big deal, Saaya! We’re not Poppin’ Party without you!” Rimi insists.

Saaya feels a pang of guilt in her chest. “Please, just listen to me. I’m sure things are fine I just… I need to be there.”

Leaving right now is going to cause problems, no doubt. They have a few songs they can play somewhat effectively without the drums—Star Beat was written to be played without the drums in the first place—but that means they’re going to have to suddenly change their entire setlist. 

Kasumi embraces her in a quick hug, and Saaya’s stomach lurches when she says, “Go. They need you! We’ll handle everything here, so don’t worry!”

Everything’s playing out the same way it did in middle school.

She doesn’t want that to happen to Poppin’ Party. That’s why she was so hesitant to join in the first place; she knew she would end up leaving them hanging at a big moment like this, and they would feel obligated to change to fit her.

But this her mom. Her _mom_. The woman who raised her and kisses her goodnight and held her hand when she picked out her first pair of drumsticks. And she loves the band so much it makes her heart burst with joy just to think of them but nothing, absolutely nothing, comes before her mom.

She runs.

***

It was so much worse than she expected.

Her mom has fainted before. But this was worse. So much worse. And she could tell her dad was sparing her the most worrisome details, even when she insisted he explain what happened.

Her heart has been growing weak for years now, but this is the worst shape it’s ever been in. She didn’t just faint from overwork—in fact, she really wasn’t even doing anything when it happened—she legitimately got sick, and her body stopped working the way it was supposed to.

Not only that, but when she fainted, she hit her head on the counter and bled out. All Saaya can do is thank their lucky stars that Jun and Sana didn’t stumble on her this time. It was upsetting enough for them to find her when it first happened, when she had simply collapsed on the floor and didn’t wake up when they pushed her.

_(The sound of their crying over the phone, begging for their sister, plagues her even now. Especially now, in fact.)_

Saaya didn’t want to say it, but she could see that things were grim. Her dad was never a good liar, try as he might. When he kept insisting over and over and over that she was going to be okay, each word that came out of his mouth made her believe it less.

When she was finally allowed into the hospital room, she could barely breathe. The bleach clean smell of the hospital was one Saaya became far too familiar with over the years, but in this room it felt so much stronger that it hit her like a wall as soon as she walked in.

But nothing could prepare her for seeing her mom.

She looked deathly pale, like someone had taken her and squeezed all the color from her. White bandages were wrapped around her head, chest, and arms. Her breathing was slow and labored. Even when Saaya spoke to her, she didn’t sit up like she usually does.

Her mom looked like a ghost of the woman she saw last. And when she asked Saaya about the performance, she swallowed her tears and told her it went fine.

***

Her mom usually comes home after a day or so. But it’s been a week, and she’s still there.

Her dad shut down the bakery, which was a surefire sign for Saaya that things were bad. Yet, he keeps insisting that things are fine. It frustrates her, because she knows he’s lying. Why lie to her now? She’s eighteen, she can handle it. She was able to handle everything when she was fifteen, so why does he care about sheltering her now?

She visits her mom almost every day. And every time, her mom tries to smile and ask her about her day. When Saaya tries to press and ask her how she’s feeling, she urges her not to worry and changes the subject.

Against her own wishes, she’s also going to school every day. But she avoids eating lunch in the courtyard with Poppin’ Party, as guilty as it makes her feel. Last time, when Arisa avoided the others like this, the band nearly fell apart. But Saaya can’t help it. Guilt gnaws at her every moment she spends hiding from them.

However, one day, her dad insists she go to band practice. Saaya tries to fight back. She wants to see her mom again tonight, but apparently Kasumi is standing right outside, waiting to escort her to Arisa’s place.

When Saaya finally goes outside to approach her, Kasumi’s face lights up. “Saaya!”

“Hey, Kasu-”

She’s interrupted when Kasumi gets a running start and leaps at Saaya, nearly knocking her down in the process. “Saaya! We missed you! Where have you been?”

Saaya laughs awkwardly. “I’ve been… busy,” she half-lies. “Sorry.”

If Kasumi senses her apprehension, she doesn’t address it. “It’s okay! But I was on my way to practice, and I thought we could walk together!”

Exhaling through her nose, Saaya wrings her hands together. “Actually, I was-”

“Hey, Saaya.” Her dad is standing in the doorframe, holding her drumsticks. He smiles, a weak smile that she’s gotten used to in the past few days. “I’m going to go out, so why don’t you go with your friends?”

Saaya’s eyes widen as she takes the sticks. “Dad…”

“I’m going to go pick the little ones up from school,” he says, closing and locking the door behind him. “I’ll make dinner tonight, okay? So stay with your friends as long as you need.”

Looking away, Saaya tries to come up with an excuse, but there isn’t one. 

Her dad plants a kiss on her forehead, and rustles Kasumi’s hair. “You girls have fun.”

Saaya bites her lip as he walks away, and she can feel Kasumi’s eyes on her. Going back inside now would just be rude, so… it looks like she’s going to band practice.

Kasumi loops her hand in hers, and Saaya musters a weak smile of her own.

***

When they trod down the stairs together into Arisa’s basement, they are the last to arrive, which Saaya admits is rather rare. When they see her, the others stand up and immediately crowd her.

Saaya backs up instinctively. She doesn’t want them to hug her right now.

“Saaya! I’m happy to see you,” Tae says. “We were getting worried!”

“I’m sorry I left,” Saaya says blankly. She glances quickly at the others before looking down at her shoes again. She hadn’t even noticed that she put on her nice sandals today. “I hope the performance still went well.”

“It went fine, Udagawa-san was there, and she was able to step in for you,” Arisa explains. She puts a hand on Saaya’s shoulder, rubbing her thumb in circles. “Seriously. Don’t worry about it.”

Saaya nods, swallowing a choked breath. 

“Are you sure…?” Rimi asks. “If you’re not feeling up to it, we can just... sit and talk, if you need to.”

“Yes, I brought vending machine snacks,” Tae offers.

“No, I don’t want to talk right now,” Saaya admits. “Let’s just practice.”

No one moves for their instruments. They all keep looking at her, and Saaya has to turn her head to avoid looking at them. She can feel their gazes pierce her skull.

She can’t do this. They can’t practice like this. They’ll just be looking at her the entire time, trying to pry her feelings out of her.

Arisa steps towards her. “Saaya?”

Her face grows warm, and she feels her breathing quicken. Her fingers are so tight around her drumsticks they might just snap.

“I can’t do this,” she blurts, throwing her drumsticks on the ground. Her stomach is in knots. She feels sick.

She bolts up the stairs before she can listen to what the others are saying.

***

She ran away. Again. And she didn’t stop until she was somewhere far away, until she came across some park and sat down on the steps leading into the grassy area. She hugs her knees close to her chest and tries to steady her breathing.

The sun is still hanging in the sky, slowly lowering and painting everything a soft shade of red. Cicadas buzz in her ears, and distantly she can hear some children playing. Her sandals are covered in dirt, and her heels hurt from running in these shoes.

And all she can think of is how everything is falling apart.

Before Poppin’ Party, she knew she was missing out on life. She knew that going to school everyday and coming straight home to take care of her mom and her siblings meant she became somewhat of a hermit, but she didn’t care. Her family was the most important thing in her life, hands down. Her own happiness came second to their wellbeing. 

While she loved her family, and they made her happy, they didn’t fulfill her life. But Saaya thought she didn’t need that fulfillment. She didn’t notice when her heart stopped beating—it must have been when she fully gave up on CHISPA.

But then Kasumi came and knocked everything off kilter. Her smile held kindness and determination; she told Saaya of the beating of the stars, her own heartbeat mixed with the stunning twinkle of the stars in the sky. 

At first, Saaya didn’t believe her. But then… It was that day at the Cultural Festival, she felt it again. Her heart started beating again, no longer just the mundane older sister and eldest daughter of the Yamabuki bakery. The rhythm of her drums and of her heart were one, and she played with renewed energy. 

None of it would have happened without Kasumi. And for two years, her life has been perfect, spending each and every day with her friends.

Her first kiss with Kasumi left her breathless. She never kissed a girl before, nonetheless dated one, but Kasumi looked at with a sparkle in her eyes that reminded Saaya of everything she feels looking at her. 

And each one of her friends means the world to her. Spending every day with them is a gift she didn’t know she needed. She feels true, pure joy every single day, even in things as mundane as going to school and eating lunch, because of them.

But now she feels all that slipping away. The thought of her mother being gone tints everything gray. She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to handle everything without her there. This happiness is like a house of cards, and in one single misstep everything is crashing down.

“Saaya…!” someone— _Kasumi_ —calls out, her voice heavily out of breath. Saaya can hear her panting as she comes closer.

Saaya gives her a nod in acknowledgement and hugs her knees closer. However Kasumi managed to find her escapes her, but she doesn’t say anything as Kasumi slowly walks towards her.

“What’s wrong?” Kasumi pants. “Why did you run off like that?”

There’s no point in beating around the bush. “My mom… might be dying,” she says, slowly as possible.

God, just saying it hurts.

Kasumi stops, clearly shocked. “It was that bad…?”

Saaya nods. “She almost had a heart failure. I… I don’t even know how much time she has left, my dad won’t tell me anything.”

Kasumi doesn’t say anything yet. She’s still trying to catch her breath, staring at Saaya with wide eyes.

With each moment passing, Saaya feels her frustration build up even more. “They used to tell me everything! They knew I could handle it! But suddenly now he’s treating me like a child?” She lets out a short shout and slams her fist into the pavement. “It’s not fair!”

Her hand curls into a fist, and she can’t help the anger that belies her tears. Why does this have to happen to her? Why does everyone else get to be happy and carefree without having to worry about their mother dying?

Before she knows it, she’s weeping into her hands.

She can tell Kasumi is troubled by her current state, because she isn’t saying anything. No excitable words of encouragement or anything. Go figure. What do you even say to a girl in this situation? If they switched shoes, Saaya wouldn’t even know where to begin.

“This sucks!” she wails, in between hiccuped sobs. “I-It’s not- my mother is such a good person, she doesn’t- she doesn’t deserve to be sick. She deserves to be happy! Jun and Sana deserve a mom who’s able to see them grow up and graduate!”

It makes her so, so sad, and even more angry. Why does this have to happen to her family? What did her mom do to deserve such a weak heart? What did her little siblings do to deserve watching their mom deteriorate before they even hit puberty? What did she do to deserve having her girlhood wrecked?

“I just want my mom and dad to be able to come watch me perform,” she bawls, “Is that too much to ask? To be normal? I just want to be able to play and do what I want without worrying that my mother is going to…!”

She sinks her head into her knees. She can’t do this. She can’t. She can’t watch her mom die. She can’t bear to explain it to Jun and Sana. She’s not strong enough. Why can’t the world see that she can’t fix it?

The whole universe feels like it’s crumbling around her, right off her weak shoulders.

Kasumi has been silent this entire time, taking in Saaya’s words like a sponge. She hovers a hand cautiously over Saaya’s back. “To be honest…” she finally says. “I don’t really know what to say. I wish I did, because you deserve all the right words.”

Shame bubbles up in Saaya’s chest. What is she doing? It’s not like Kasumi can do anything to help her. Kasumi is going to worry about her, regardless of what she can do about the problem. All she’s doing now is making her girlfriend more distressed.

She shouldn’t have come after her in the first place.

Kasumi scoots next to her, pressing her body lightly against hers. Her hand moves to Saaya’s back, rubbing gently in a way that’s almost soothing. “But we’re going to find a way through this, Saaya. We won’t give up on you.”

Saaya shakes her head. “No, stop. I don’t want you to-”

Kasumi shushes her, gently putting a finger to her lips. “You don’t let anyone take care of you, Saaya. I know that it makes you uncomfortable,” she says. “But you can rely on us, still! We’re here for you, even if you don’t want us to be!”

Saaya looks down at the ground. She doesn’t get it, none of them do. None of them understand the shame she feels when she knows she’s holding everyone back from their dreams. “I don’t want you guys to do that. I don’t want you to stop for me. That just makes me feel worse, it makes me feel awful.”

She can’t see how Kasumi’s face changes, but the girl leans in closer to her. “Then we won’t stop for you. We’ll just make sure you keep going.”

Saaya stops. She looks up, and Kasumi’s eyes have lit up like she just came up with a bright idea.

Taking Saaya’s hands in hers and holding them to her chest, Kasumi continues, “Even if you’re moving slow as a turtle, we’ll make sure you keep on moving! It doesn’t matter as long as you don’t stop!”

She presses Saaya’s hands against her breast, so close that Saaya can feel the subtle beat of her heart under her shirt. 

“You deserve to be happy, Saaya. You’re so hardworking and kind, you never spare that kindness for yourself. I’ll keep telling you that as long as I need to for it to sink in. We’re not going to just leave you when you need us.”

Kasumi embraces her in a hug, and it takes all the strength she can summon not to immediately burst into tears at the contact. Pressing her head against Kasumi’s chest, she can hear her heartbeat through her shirt, so steady, like a drum, that it soothes her trembling body.

All she wants is for them to keep on moving with their lives. It never even occurred to her that they don’t have to leave her behind to do that. 

“We love you,” Kasumi says. “I love you. And what you’re going through is really hard, but you can’t give up. There’s no way your mom wants you to give up.”

Her whole body feels weak. She musters a nod, and that’s all she can do before she’s sobbing into Kasumi’s shirt. She lets herself wail into her chest, and Kasumi’s hand brushes through her hair as she does. Her throat feels scratchy and snot bubbles in her nose but she doesn’t care. She can’t stop the wave of emotion pouring out of her body like a tsunami.

God, she never knew how important it was to have someone to cry on, but right now, she feels like if she pulls away from Kasumi, her body will break. As she squeezes Kasumi’s arm, she tries to let loose this wave of feelings that’s been building up for so long. Her mom. Her friends. Her duties as a daughter and an older sister and a drummer. There’s so much pent up feelings, she squeezes Kasumi so tight that in the back of her mind she worries she’ll break.

But Kasumi doesn’t break. She’s like a rock, one that Saaya desperately needs right now. All she does is whisper softly as her fingers run through Saaya’s hair, sending waves of comfort over her even as she grips Kasumi so tightly her knuckles grow white.

She has no idea how much time passes. It feels like hours, though it was probably a few minutes when her tears finally slowed down to a trickle, and her throat felt relaxed enough for her breath. She loosens her grip on Kasumi’s arm.

“Thank you…” Saaya mutters, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I…”

Kasumi stands up, brushing the dirt off her knees and grinning with stars in her eyes. “Of course! Let’s go back to the others, okay?” She holds out her hand for Saaya to take. “And you don’t have to talk to them about it if you don’t want to, but I know they want to help you as much as I do.”

Saaya nods, and takes Kasumi’s hand. She pulls her up off the ground, and they stand there for a moment looking at each other. Then, Saaya presses a kiss into Kasumi’s lips, and when she pulls away she cups her hand around her cheek to gaze lovingly into her eyes. “I love you, starbeat.”

Kasumi smiles, and presses her forehead against Saaya’s. “I love you too.”


End file.
